Sunday, January 23, 2011

Ugly Federal Workers

Okay,  so you move to DC from Cali... or NYC... or somewhere.  You take the metro into the city every morning...  you look around and you notice.  DAMN!  these people are FAT!... and they look like someone smacked them with an ugly stick... AND a "what not to wear" stick at the same time!  They are the fattest, worst dressed, ugliest white collar workers you have ever seen.  You get to your job working with these feds as an outside consultant... and you realize.  DAMN these guys suck.  they are like the C-team! They are slow and don't care about doing a good job.  they just want to do their work and retire off the tax payers dime after 20 years!

You try to formulate a theory as to WHY and HOW so much ugliness, fatness, unfashionable-ness, and utter incompetence can be concentrated in the same place.  but no matter how hard you think, you can't get your head around it!

Well, never fear.  The Ugly Troof has the answer for you!

It's all based on the adage "Birds of a feather flock together"...

See basically, these feds were at one point just ordinary people at non-fed jobs.  but they were uglier than their peers... fatter than their peers... and had 150% less fashion sense then their peers... and sucked at what they did! They felt somehow different.  somehow... out of place.  like they didn't fit in. you know,  like a yugo feels when it's hanging around aston martins.

Anyhow, across the river... they saw a few fat, ugly, horribly dressed things milling about, shuffling paper and otherwise wasting their time and tax payer money.  These were the proto-bureaucrats.  the original automatons working government jobs.

These outcasts of corporate america thought to themselves "if i could just get across the river, i could find some happiness!".... so they started making their trek...
they came by the hundreds... nay... thousands!  they weaseled their way into all sorts of federal jobs.  indeed. the most senior of their kind began inventing NEW Bureaus to let even more of these outcasts of society find their nirvana!

Soon, the Federal government was stacked 1000000 deep in these 3rd rate money wasting, fat assed, smelly, ugly, horribly dressed neanderthals!

And we have come full circle.  every morning each of these sorry creatures rises from the primordial soup of their suburban existence to climb aboard metros in order to head to their daily promised land.

A place where they will not be ridiculed for being stupider, ugly, and fatter than everyone else!  and horribly dressed too, can't forget that one!

A place they too... can call home!


  1. Indded it's a sad truth that the DMV area is full of very ugly and fat people. Fashion isn't even an option in DC. It's amazing, yet horrifying truth that the ugly walk the halls of the federal offices. I think it's a culmination of things that cause this, first feds aren't highly educated in any sense. Lack of education leads to little exposure to other groups of people. Some individuals have never even left their state their entire life. This gives a very narrow view on what fashion may be.

    2nd point is that cafeteria's in federal buildings are all unhealthy. Basically you get fat, fried, more fat, and maybe a bowl of fat soup. Their portion sizes are ridiculous, and it's cheap. Cheap plus fat food plus ridiculous portion sizes = very fat ass. I've seen a girl who's half butt check is as big as my shoulder span @_@ Now that's fat

    3rd, apparently lack of fashion trends in DC lead retailers to not try as hard to bring new styles, going with more basic looks of khaki pants and mom jeans. It's weird cause there is money out there, maybe because housing is so expensive it caused problems

    Bottom line is no matter what theories or ideas we come up with, it's a fat ugly place full of lot of gross half educated monkeys who bother everyone :( Long live the government, who takes our money and does nothing for us.

  2. So true... So true. It's like a disease for which there is no cure...